Sunday 18 March 2018

Moving on

As some of you know, I moved last year; and had to tackle the challenge of finding my feet in a town where I knew no one. Time after time I had to be the ‘new girl’. 

I travel. I’m used to meeting new people - fellow travellers take little encouragement to talk about the places they’ve visited and where they might go next. There’s even a standard introductory phrase: ‘Where are you from?’ It’s a phrase that invites someone to talk about him or herself, and it’s easy to develop a conversation from there.

There is no such standard introduction when meeting new people who are already established in their own social groups. I’ve tried: ‘How long have you lived in ...’ and received polite answers but it’s hard to move on from there, even when I try to pick up on something in their reply that I can ask about. It’s a salutary lesson.

For most people already have established friendship groups. Unlike travellers, they aren’t looking for new people to chat to. And so I have needed to be, if you like, pushier. I’ve made a point of giving people my phone number, asking for their’s, ringing and inviting them for coffee. I’ve knocked on doors of the flats where I live and offered tea. I’ve joined - what haven’t I joined! And it has paid off.

It’s not been easy - and it will take time to develop the sort of friendships that sustained me over the years I lived in my old house.

But ... or maybe that should be ‘and’ ... it takes effort, and sometimes more than a little bravado. I don’t always enjoy it, but I can do it. What is it like for someone with less confidence than I have? Someone with a disability who can’t get out there and edge into conversations? Working parents who have no time to chatter at the school gates? Working parents who spend ridiculous hours commuting and barely have energy for the children, let alone getting to know their neighbours?


I can do this - but many people find it difficult. Maybe that’s the lesson for us all - to make more space to welcome strangers, wherever they come from.

12 comments:

  1. So true, Jo. I find it difficult to do that despite having moved around so much. The language issue is an added hurdle. I’m so glad I still have my work. It opens doors for me I’d find difficult to get a foot in, otherwise. Well done you for persisting and making the effort!

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    1. It’s make the effort or sink, Val - I’m sure there are many who find it almost impossible.

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  2. The truth, Jo. When I lost my get-up-and-go thanks to becoming chronically ill, a huge part of my life just collapsed. The obvious reasons.
    I have family, my man has been with me for 38 yrs, I can still manage part-time work but active social life is for the healthy.
    Yet: After eight years of this, I have come to cherish my new-found abilities of being still, resting, watching, observing and contemplating. I was never got at any of these before.
    Most of all, however, I am glad I did a LOT of travel while I was well.
    And there is blogging and reading - lovely!

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    1. I’m glad you’ve found satisfactions in your situation, crap though it is. And I’m glad you still have family and friends around you.

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  3. It is no wonder that loneliness is the disease of the age: we move away from family, or they move away from us for work. We find it hard to socialise (especially if you are a solitary writer). Like you, I try to be bold and text/call ... ... but I'm not a joiner....hope you are settling in well though. x

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    1. I’m not really a joiner, Carol, (far too bolshy) but I can’t think of another way to build a friendship group. So needs must!

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  4. Well done Jo. You have a tenacity & a can do attitude that is to be admired, balanced with the compassion to acknowledge that not everyone is the same.

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    1. Next time my daughters call me mouthy, I’ll tell them it’s just tenacity!

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  5. You are quite right.I'm glad things are now settling down for you, it's a hard thing to move to a new city with no established networks. For some reason your post made me think of this website which I read about today in a magazine in the library. https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/ - It seemed like a good idea and could be useful for some readers.

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    1. Many, many thanks for that link. I’m off to explore the site!

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  6. Oh, and this part of the site actually invites people over 50 to tell their experiences. https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/tell-us-story/

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  7. Good advice. I am lucky to have a group of friends. Unfortunately, we all live miles apart but I value them highly. I've encountered a lot of stand-offish people in my life who, in old age have complained of lonliness, or are clearly lonely. Friendships have to be worked at and not everyone knows how to go about it.

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