What walks books say and what they really mean.

I spent part of last week in North Wales - with its mountains and waterfalls and beaches, it seemed like a good place to spend a few days when the sun was actually shining.

And I thought I'd go walking. I walk a lot in Wiltshire - I'm used to her Downs and her forests, so surely a mountain is like that, only more so? I consulted a trusty walks book, found a route - it was long, but I'd be fine, if I gave myself plenty of time.

I must be clear - I'm no spring chicken. I'm sure the young and muscled would bound up and down this path without noticing its little challenges. In fact I know they did - the bounded past me, many times. Some even asking if I was all right, in a kindly, patronising way.

My problem, you see, was that my walks book was written for the young and muscled, who know all about mountains, and not for passing wrinklies who feel pleased if they make it to the top of Oare Hill. So here, for anyone who might be tempted to follow me, is a translation of the walks book for anyone who might not be used to mountains:

'Long, steady climb' - means long, steep, plod up a winding path with occasional steps.  If you take it slowly, and don't try to talk, you can feel reasonably smug getting up it.

'Steep, zig-zagged path, with a little light scrambling' - means the path has disappeared under a landslip and you have to clamber, crawl, other wise manipulate yourself up scree that feels vertical. Do not believe the young man who tells you the top is less than fifteen away - this final 200 metres takes an hour and a half. (Why not give up? Because you believe the plonkers who come past tell you that the top is round the next corner. Plus there is a cup of tea at the top.)

Coming down, of course, should be easier. But 'winding, rocky and a little difficult in places' - means coming down a ridge, much of it on your bottom as it is the only way to negotiate the boulders. Never be deceived by the twenty feet where you can stand upright - for soon there is another precipice, the path ten feet below and nothing but rocks or sticky-out bits in the way. (Why not go down the other way? What - down that scree?)

'Join the original path, and from there it is a short walk back to the car park' - means that the distance on the ground might be the same as before but this time it takes three times as long, as your legs feel like they belong to someone else.

(Snowdon, up the Watkin path and down the South ridge, for anyone who is curious.)

Why did I do it? Because very soon I have to take my knees to the bone man, and I'm afraid he might tell me to stop doing things like that. Which is a very stupid reason. There must be a better one, surely?

Do you do as you're told?

I'm trying to remember the current Government advice on how much wine we should drink. It seems to change fairly regularly; but we are all, presumably, meant to note each new communique and respond obediently. (I think advice about water-drinking also fluctuates, but somehow that doesn't arrive with the same fanfare.)

We must also exercise. This isn't tightly defined, and again the amount seems to vary. Sometimes we only need to walk for twenty minutes a day; other times we should make ourselves puff three times a week (so the newly-married should be ok?). I'm not sure if there is an allowance made for age: should I be striding down to the gym three times a week? Does yoga count - I can manage worshipping the sun, though not when it involves getting down on the floor and up again several times a second. And I can manage a tree-pose provided I can prop myself up on the wall.

Then we have to eat - no salt, unless you have low blood pressure and then you must eat salted crisps. But you must avoid fats. Fruit and veg: good. Sugar, chocolate: bad. Red meat - who knows?

I am aware that there are people who need help to look after themselves. They haven't got the hang of eating to keep well, and moving around comfortably.

But most of us - well, what is your response to each new Government edict? Do you measure your salt intake, study the ingredients on the side of tins for saturated fats, wake up on Tuesday and know that if you don't go for a swim today you'll turn into a pudding? And drink - have you ever said, 'sorry, I've had my fourteen units this week, I can't have any more until Sunday?'

So - tell me I'm not a rebel, just because I think for myself. Sometimes I drink more than the recommended units; I taste my food and decide if it needs more salt; I eat fruit - because I like it. I walk the Wiltshire's glorious Downs because they are beautiful; I walk through Savernake Forest because some of the trees are over a thousand years old and they remind me just how ridiculous - and insignificant - I am.

And you? Do you think for yourself? Obey Government advice to the letter? Or do the opposite just because you can? (Or do you simply not notice when this stuff is in the papers anyway?)